ROAD HOUSE!
A tribute to a film that celebrates the real spirit of Christmas
Of course i’m not talking about the Jake Gyllenhaal version from earlier this year, the only question that needs to be asked about the remake is why? Why touch a film that should be preserved in aspic, why touch a film that is, in every sense, a singular and unique vision - a film that is unimpeachably and unquestionably ROAD HOUSE, there can be no substitutes.
Since the whole “Is Die Hard A Christmas Movie” thing became a thing, there has been a creeping trend towards manly festive fare, a trend that has reached a new nadir with Amazon’s latest “Red One” - a truly abysmal film. It features JK Simmons as hench Santa, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as an even hencher Elf and Chris Evans as an itinerent absent conman father. The antagonist is an angry troll woman trying to rid the world of evil who has to be thwarted by this rag tag group of men. It’s pretty incredible messaging for a film released in 2024. Thinking about it, in an age where Andrew Tate, Jake Paul and Donald Trump are role models maybe the messaging isn’t that incredible after all.
But for 2023 Channel 5 dispensed with the seasonal veneer and at 11.30pm on Christmas Eve dropped a film that embodies the real spirit of the season, Rowdy Herrington’s 1989 true action classic “Road House”. I’d last watched it probably 30 years ago, on a VHS or the telly at some point in the early 90s. I had a faint memory of quite enjoying it at the time, and remembering three things: a) the name of the director, you don’t forget a man named “Rowdy” b) Patrick Swayze was the star and c) there was quite a lot of brawling in it. All of those things were true - but there was a lot more to it than that. At this point there ought to be a spoiler warning, because this post is very much going to spoil what happens, in fact that’s pretty much all this post is going to do. The standard advice would be to stop reading here, watch the film, and then come back - but that would be pointless, the joys of the film are completely bomb proof from mere trifles like spoiling the plot.
Road House is the absolute embodiment of an American “eighties” film, even though it comes right at the end of the decade (nb I subscribe to the view that every decade has a long tail, so the start of the 80s, was really just more 70s, the start of the 90s was more 80s, the start of the 00s was more 90s etc - decades don’t find their own groove until a few years in). There are mullet haircuts as far as the eye can see. It is also very much a rock n roll film, this is not Ferris Beuller synth eighties - this is denim and Fender Stratocaster eighties.
The film starts off in New York City - we meet our hero - James Dalton (Swayze)- at a glitzy Night Club - he’s the “Cooler” - which seems to mean he’s a head bouncer and in practical terms means he runs the team of doormen (and they are all men, this is 1989)- and he mostly stays above the fray, but if any serious head cracking is required he gets stuck right in. At the outset we see a hard rocking blues rock band on stage, trouble in the crowd - and soon enough Dalton steps in and starts banging heads. He’s sought out by middle aged and out of place country man Frank Tilghman (Kevin Tighe) who’s running a club out in the Mid-West - he offers our hero a fat pay cheque to run the door, and Dalton leaves the big city lights behind instantaneously (and that’s no exagerration he quits the job there and then walking out of the club never to return, a decisive man of action, trivialities like employment law suits are of no concern).
Dalton arrives in small town Missouri at the “Double Deuce” - the Road House of the title - and it’s immediately apparent this is a rough and ready establishment. How do we know that? The house band are playing behind a cage ! (although maybe that wasn’t so uncommon - Ministry’s live album from around that time “In Case You Didn’t Feel Like Showing Up” is all performed behind bars - nevertheless the clear implication there and here is that if you’re behind a cage you’ve got a tough crowd). But the house band cause a double take, because the band leader is none other than super talented bluesman Jeff Healey - who it turns out has a speaking part in the film:
Swayze/ Dalton looks on, cold as ice - there is rampant sexism, sleazy womanising, graffiti and chipped plaster everywhere, bottles are thrown at the band and casual scuffles are breaking out. A few people seem to recognise our hero, Jeff Healey is an old friend and there’s a whispered rumour Dalton might have killed a man by ripping his throat clean out. The bar soon breaks out into a full scale brawl, everyone involved except Dalton - a full on Beano style cloud of fists bottles and chairs. It’s clear there’s a big job at hand.
Dalton gets himself some lodgings, and we’re drip fed a bit more back story, it turns out he likes horses and they like him and he’s not concerned about the lack of a phone or a television. We also catch sight of a rich Man from Delmonte lookalike flying over in a helicopter (Brad Wesley, played by Ben Gazzara). Back at the “Double Duece” Dalton soon sets about whipping the team into shape, rooting out the bad seeds and instilling some discipline and slamming the occasional head, but only when strictly neccesary, and eliciting admiring glances from some of the scarcely clad women in the bar.
Back at his lodgings we get more morsels of back story as Dalton reads some Jim Harrison, (American poet, novelist and essayist), with his top off, and also does some zen martial arts, also with his top off - (he’s got depth, but also great pecs you see). We also see the Man From Delmonte Wesley lives just over the way from Dalton’s lodgings and he’s definitely going to be our antagonist; he hosts a very puzzling frat party with a group of people at least thirty years his junior. We also see Wesley engaging in some road hogging and Dalton and him have a brief encounter where he wishes Dalton all the best, (but he doesn’t really mean it you see).
Back at the Deuce another group of locals aren’t happy with Dalton’s methods and start swinging knives at him - he soon dispatches them, and we get our first roundhouse kick of the film, right through a plate glass window no less. Despite polishing them off our hero takes some damage and has to get treated at the hospital, (top off naturally), and we meet our love interest, “The Doc” (played by Kelly Lynch), who treats his injury and notes his past scars with barely concealed admiration.
It soon becomes clear that Wesley is a real wrong un who’s on the take from everyone in the town, and Dalton seeks counsel over the phone from another cooler, Wade Garrett (played by Sam Elliot), who takes the call from another bar where a “G-String” contest is taking place (as well as Patrick Swayze’s torso there are half naked women liberally strewn throughout the film, Rowdy Herrington is plainly very pro-pectoral). Things seem to be improving a little at the Deuce, the cage has disappeared from in front of the band, but it doesn’t stop Wesley sending in some more thugs, who get the leg snapping treatment from Dalton and his boys, and as a bonus his potential love interest “The Doc” arrives and *very much* enjoys the fight.
We’re now into the second half, there’s a brief summit between Wesley and Dalton, where Dalton makes it clear he can’t be bought, and the Deuce has had a lick of paint, the staff now have smart uniforms there are crowds queuing to get in. Dalton and the Doc are getting on famously, he even puts on a cream tank top for her. Wesley can see all of this from over the way, pulls on a cigar and it’s quite apparent he’s not a bit happy, in fact we soon find out he had a thing for the Doc. Garrett turns up in person to help out dispatching more of Wesley’s thugs who are trying to stem the flow of booze to the Double Deuce, and shows off some of his scars to the Doc as well. The Doc seems to appreciate it.
It’s not long before Wesley takes things up a notch for the denoument, he blows up a nearby shop, and sends in his very best back flipping top level henchman to wrangle with Dalton & Garrett. He then sends his goons into the local car dealership in giant wheeled monster trucks to drive over all the stock, (he really is the Town Bully). Then he blows up Dalton’s kindly old landlord’s house and the back flipping chief henchman turns up on a motorbike, throws his head back and laughs maniacally. Dalton soon kicks him off the bike and a scrap duly ensues between them, (tops off for Dalton, obviously). Just when the back flipping thug is on the wrong end of the fight he pulls out a gun, Dalton scissor kicks it out of his hand and THEN RIPS HIS THROAT CLEAN OUT! The Doc sees this, and for a few minutes at least, seems horrified. Andy from Parks and Recreation has all of this covered:
We’re close the end now, but Wesley still has a few more tricks up his sleeve, sending in more thugs to plunge a knife into Garrett’s back. This ushers in the final final fight when Dalton distracts the goons with an exploding car and then stealth storms Wesley’s mansion, taking out all of the gun toting henchmen, well three of them, (the rest seem to have disappeared), using only his guile and his bare hands - and a knife and a taxidermy polar bear. Wesley is of course no match for Dalton and it looks like he’s going for another throat rip, but at the last minute he changes his mind, but the other townsfolk turn up and finish the job anyway, (and then go full “I’m Spartacus” when the cops arrive). In the closing shots Jeff Healy is rocking out and the Doc and Dalton are snogging and skinny dipping, her horror at the throat ripping murder she witnessed all forgotten apparently. Roll credits.
Road House really is absolutely ridiculous, and notwithstanding the casual sexism, misogony, and apparent condoning of murder you could still make a case that it’s a more progressive film than “Red One”. Well okay you couldn’t. But at least Road House knows what it is, and Hench Santa, Hench Elf and Conman Chris wouldn’t be seen dead reading poetry. Those of us who are of a certain vintage well remember that Die Hard was never a “Christmas Film”, not when it was released, and not for years and years afterwards. So if you want festive action, forget “Red One”, forget John McClane, and while you might be tempted by “Santa With Muscles”, just miss out the pretence. James Dalton may not be the seasonal action hero we want, he may not be the seasonal action hero we need, but he might just be the seasonal action hero we deserve.